Final Fantasy XI - Music Hacking Guide - PC - By LockeZ (2022)

FF11 ASCII art would suck, so I drew Rydia instead. CCCCCCC(CD CC(CCCCCC--CD CO(CCCCCD|**|(D C(CCCCD''|**|CD (CCCCD''''--DDD CCCD__''''''D''B (CD'l \'''''D"'B (CCD'l ''''''D'BB C CDD''' '''''DBB CDBD''''''''B-- D DD '''''---'' D B-----'VV''' ''''VVv----V ''VVV'''VVV|''VVAV ''VVVVVVAAA|''VVAV VAVV VVVAVV VVAV VAV VV'''' VVAV VVV V''' VAV VV 'LLL VVV VV LLLL VV V LLl VV LL l V-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=FF11 Music Hacking Guide=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-v2.3 by LockeZ (ff3lockez@yahoo.com)So, you don't particularly like the music in Final Fantasy 11? You'd ratherhave more Uematsu, or perhaps the Beatles? Maybe you'd like to add music tothe areas that have none? Until now you've just had to mute the game and playother music externally. But the problem with that strategy is that when youget in a battle, your CD doesn't change to battle music. In FF11, though, youcan easily change what music the game actually uses. No hacking programsneeded (though there's one that helps). All you need are some wav format songs.You can change the songs in both the PlayOnline viewer and in FF11 itself, aswell as in Tetra Master. Note that this is perfectly harmless to do. Itdoesn't conflict with Square's rules, and any version updates will still workfine. If POL tries to update your files when you sign on, you did it wrong.It you let it update at that point, it should reinstall whatever files youaccidentally deleted.This guide is obviously for the PC version of FF11. I haven't tried any of thison the PS2 version. I don't know of any way to directly access files on thePS2 hard drive, though, so I don't see how it would work.A NOTE ON TECHNICAL STUFF YOU NEED TO KNOW------------------------------------------Please note that any time I name the folder that a file should be in on yourcomputer, I do not list the complete path. When you installed the game for thefirst time, you got to CHOOSE where to install the game, so there's no way forme to know exactly where on your hard drive the folder is installed. Thus, allfolder names start at the folder you installed FF11 to initially. By default,FF11 is installed to C:\Program Files\PlayOnline. So, unless you changed thatyourself while installing, you should assume that all the folders I list startwith C:\Program Files\PlayOnline. So, in My Computer, navigate to that folder,and then start there with the rest of the path that I list out. If none of thatmakes sense, then you probably should not be using this guide, as there is stuffin here that's a lot more technical than finding folders on your hard drive.CONVERTING FILES TO BGW FORMAT------------------------------FF11, Tetra Master, and PlayOnline use bgw format for their music files.There are two ways to convert files to bgw format. Either way, you need wavfiles to start with.That's wav, not mp3. Mp3 files will not work. If you want to use mp3s, youhave to convert them to wavs first using some program or another. A program atwww.mp3fe.com/download/mp32wav.zip has been recommended to me. iTunes can alsoprobably convert them, but please don't email me asking how to use iTunes.-=LOW BUDGET METHOD=-The first method, which is direct, simple, and the first method I discovered,is to simply change the file extension on a .wav file to .bgw. Please notethat in order to change the extensions of files, you must have your WindowsFolder Options set to show extensions for known file types. If donecorrectly, changing the extension should give you a warning that the file maynot work.The problem with the first method is that songs will not repeat. When theyget to the end, they just stop, and there is no music until the game playsa new song. This doesn't make a big difference in PlayOnline, but in thegames it can be quite a nuisance. The second method, below, remedies this.-=GOOD METHOD=-The second method is to use a program called FFXI Music Converter, or Ximc.I didn't make this program, but rather it was sent to me. It's quite useful.Huge props to some Japanese dude who made the program, and huge props toVindalesin of Remora for translating and completing the music list that's inthe program. Download it at http://burger.sandwich.net/XIMC.zip and useWinzip or a similar program to unzip it. Much of the program is in Japanese,but the "WAV -> BGW" and "BGW -> WAV" buttons are clearly labelled. Uncheckthe box in the program if you don't want it to rename each file.This program will sometimes fail to create a file. This is usually becauseyour .wav file's quality is too low. The game uses a bitrate of 187 kbps(48 kHz, 16 bit stereo). If your sound conversion program is totally pimpedout, your file quality might actually be too high. A .wav file's qualitycan be changed by opening it in the "Sound Recorder" program that comes withWindows, and choosing Save As.This second method is REQUIRED to convert sound effects, such as wind files(see the section later about adding music to normally silent areas) or bardsongs. To make it convert to and from .spw instead of .bgw, maximize theprogram. You will see a new option: BGM or SE. Click on SE and it willlet you manipulate sound effect files instead of background music files.If you're interested, here are what the other options in that program do:Checkbox by the first button: If this is checked, files converted to .bgwformat (or .spw format) will be called music100.bgw (or se000100.bgw).The number in the filename can be changed with the upper-right entry box.If this is unchecked, the file will retain its original filename (with thenew file extension, of course).Top-right entry box (defaults to 100): If the box is checked, this controlsthe number that is given to newly created .bgw files. You will want tochange this number each time you convert a file, or else uncheck the box.If the box is checked and you don't change this number, each file will havethe same filename, and they will overwrite each-other!The other entry boxes (default to 1, 127, and 0): I have no idea. Franklythese don't seem to affect anything. Maybe it has to do with file quality.I can't read Japanese.IN PLAYONLINE VIEWER--------------------The files that the viewer uses are listed in the subfolder SquareEnix\PlayOnlineViewer\viewer\data\system\bgm and are in .bgw format. Convert a file to .bgw format, and then rename it to whatever.101.bgw andput it in the folder. Actually, 101 is an arbitrary number; any three-digitnumber will work. After you put your new files in right folder, open PlayOnline. Click onNavigator, then Options, then Viewer, then BGM. All the songs that PlayOnlinecomes with will still be listed if you didn't delete them, and all your newsongs will be listed as well. Whatever songs you want it to play, select andchoose OK. Whatever songs you don't want it to play, select and choose Clear.It now plays your songs instead of the normal ones!The file Dolphin_(by_Noriko_Matsueda).113.bgw is used while you are connectingto your PlayOnline account. If you want to change what music is played duringthat part, you will need to overwrite that file with a new one.IN FINAL FANTASY XI-------------------The music files that FF11 uses are located in the subfolders SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound\win\music\data (for original version music),SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound2\win\music\data (for Rise of Zilart music),SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound3\win\music\data (for Chains of Promathea), &SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound4\win\music\data (for Rise of Aht Urhgan).If you're not sure which expansion a certain music file is from, just checkall four folders.Convert your .wav files to .bgw first of all. To do that, look in the sectionabout converting, above. Now look in the list below and find the song you wantto replace. The list tells you which file is used for that song. Find yourconverted song that you want to use instead of the original, and change thefilename of your song so it's the same as the original song's filename. Copyyour song into the correct folder so that it overwrites the original file.Now your song will replace the old one and be used at whatever times theoriginal would have been used at during the game.For example, if you had a .wav song you wanted to use for your Mog House, youcould convert it, rename it to music126.bgw, and put it in the music folderfor original version music (since Mog Houses are from the original version),replacing the music126.bgw file that's already in that music folder. Sincemusic126.bgw is used for your Mog House, your song will now be used for yourMog House.Back up your old files! If you fail to do so and want to make a file go backto the original one, you can try simply deleting your custom file and leavingno file by that name in the folder. The next time you log onto FF11, it*should* automatically start downloading the original song. If you're lucky.If you're unlucky, you get to reinstall the game. So sorry; next time makecopies of the originals and keep them in another folder somewhere.A huge shout-out to Lord Skylark for basically giving me the entire list forthe original game and Zilart expansion. The rest was pieced together throughsubmissions by about twenty different people. The song files are listed below.Note that this list is also contained within the Ximc program, if you downloadXimc from my site.FF11 SONG LIST--------------music101.bgw: Battle: In overworld, solomusic102.bgw: Battle: In dungeon, in partymusic103.bgw: Battle: In overworld, in partymusic104.bgw: Ghelsbamusic105.bgw: Mhauramusic106.bgw: Shipmusic107.bgw: San D'Oriamusic108.bgw: Title Screen: Rise of Zilartmusic109.bgw: Ronfauremusic110.bgw: Jeunomusic111.bgw: Deathmusic112.bgw: Selbinamusic113.bgw: Sarutabarutamusic114.bgw: Batallia Downsmusic115.bgw: Battle: In dungeon, solomusic116.bgw: Gustabergmusic117.bgw: Ru'Lude Gardensmusic118.bgw: Rolanberry Fieldsmusic119.bgw: Battle: Shadow Lordmusic120.bgw: Nation Selection Screenmusic121.bgw: Approching Shadow Lordmusic122.bgw: Delkfutt's (Used in cut scenes)music123.bgw: Hopelessness (Used in cut scenes)music124.bgw: Recollection (Used in cut scenes)music125.bgw: Battle: Burning Circlemusic126.bgw: Mog Housemusic127.bgw: Anxiety (Used in cut scenes)music128.bgw: Airshipmusic129.bgw: Battle: Fishing Battle Theme #1music130.bgw: Tarutaru Female Creationmusic131.bgw: Elvaan Female Creationmusic132.bgw: Elvaan Male Creationmusic133.bgw: Hume Male Creationmusic134.bgw: Yuhtunga Junglemusic135.bgw: Kazhammusic136.bgw: Battle: Fishing Battle Theme #2music137.bgw: Battle: Chains of Promathea Final Battlemusic138.bgw: Battle: Treasures of Aht Urhgan, In overworldmusic139.bgw: Battle: Treasures of Aht Urhgan, In dungeonmusic142.bgw: Beseiged ~Fated Strife~music143.bgw: Hellridersmusic144.bgw: Assault ~Rapid Onslaught~music146.bgw: The Colosseummusic147.bgw: Eastward Bound (Ferry)music148.bgw: Forbidden Sealmusic149.bgw: Wajaom Woodlandsmusic150.bgw: Arrapago Reefmusic151.bgw: Windurstmusic152.bgw: Bastokmusic153.bgw: Crystal Preludemusic154.bgw: Metalworksmusic155.bgw: Castle Zvahlmusic156.bgw: Chateau d'Oraguillemusic157.bgw: Fury (Used in cut scenes)music158.bgw: Sauromugue Champaignmusic159.bgw: Sorrow (Used in cut scenes)music160.bgw: Repression (Used in cut scenes)music161.bgw: Despair (Used in cut scenes)music162.bgw: Heavens Towermusic163.bgw: Sometime Somewhere (Used in cut scenes)music164.bgw: Xarcabardmusic165.bgw: Galka Creationmusic166.bgw: Mithra Creationmusic167.bgw: Tarutaru Male Creationmusic168.bgw: Hume Female Creationmusic169.bgw: Regeneracy (Used in cut scenes)music170.bgw: Pirate Attack on Ferrymusic171.bgw: Altepa Desertmusic172.bgw: Black Coffinmusic173.bgw: Caedarva Miremusic174.bgw: Aydeewa Subterranemusic175.bgw: Nashmaumusic176.bgw: Chocobo Trackmusic177.bgw: Chocobo Racingmusic178.bgw: Al Zahbimusic179.bgw: Title Screen: Treasures of Aht Urhganmusic181.bgw: Chocobo (Short version)music183.bgw: A Puppet's Slumber (Used in cut scenes)music184.bgw: Eternal Gravestone (Used in cut scenes)music185.bgw: Ever-Turning Wheels (Used in cut scenes)music190.bgw: The Sanctuary of Zi'Tahmusic191.bgw: Battle: Rise of Zilart, In overworldmusic192.bgw: Battle: Rise of Zilart, In dungeonmusic193.bgw: Battle: Rise of Zilart, Bossmusic194.bgw: Raogrimm's Theme (Used in cut scenes)music195.bgw: Belief (Used in cut scenes)music196.bgw: Fighters of the Crystal (Used in cut scenes)music197.bgw: Tu'Lia Restoration (Used in cut scenes)music198.bgw: Eald'narche (Final Dungeon)music199.bgw: Grav'itonmusic200.bgw: Kam'lanaut's Theme (Used in cut scenes)music201.bgw: Endingmusic202.bgw: Quest 1 (Used in cut scenes)music203.bgw: Quest 2 (Used in cut scenes)music204.bgw: Quest 3 (Used in cut scenes)music205.bgw: Quest Completion (Used in cut scenes)music206.bgw: Yve'noile's Theme (Used in cut scenes)music207.bgw: Ve'Lugannon Palacemusic208.bgw: Rabaomusic209.bgw: Norgmusic210.bgw: Tu'Liamusic211.bgw: Ro'Maevemusic212.bgw: Chocobomusic213.bgw: Hall of the Godsmusic214.bgw: Weddingmusic218.bgw: Battle: Chains of Promathea, Solomusic219.bgw: Battle: Chains of Promathea, Groupmusic220.bgw: Battle: Chains of Promathea, Boss Thememusic221.bgw: Movapolosmusic222.bgw: Promyvionmusic223.bgw: Ballista: Winningmusic224.bgw: Dusk and Dawn (Used in cut scenes)music225.bgw: Pso'Xjamusic226.bgw: Ballista: Losing/Drawmusic227.bgw: Summerfestmusic228.bgw: The Garden of Ru'Hmetmusic229.bgw: Carpenter's Landing Raftmusic230.bgw: Tavnazian Archipelagomusic231.bgw: Disaster (Used in cut scenes)music232.bgw: The Ruler of the Skies (Used in cut scenes)music233.bgw: The Celestial Capital – Al'Taieumusic234.bgw: Happily Ever Aftermusic235.bgw: First Ode: Nocturne of the Gods (Used in cut scenes)music236.bgw: Fourth Ode: Clouded Dawn (Used in cut scenes)music237.bgw: Third Ode: Memoria de la Stona (Used in cut scenes)music238.bgw: A New Morningmusic239.bgw: Christmas Jeunomusic240.bgw: Second Ode: Distant Promises (Used in cut scenes)music241.bgw: Fifth Ode: A Time for Prayer (Used in cut scenes)music242.bgw: Title Screen: Chains of Promatheamusic243.bgw: Grav'iton (Duplicate...)music244.bgw: The Mothercrystals (Used in cut scenes)music245.bgw: Tavnazian Safeholdmusic900.bgw: Ending: Chains of PromatheaIN TETRA MASTER---------------This method is pretty much identical to the FF11 music-changing method.The files that Tetra Master uses are located in the subfolderPlayOnline\SquareEnix\TetraMaster\data\WIN\sound\music. Convert your .wavfiles to .bgw. You can't just name the songs whatever you want, though. Thefilenames have to be exactly the same as the files already in the folder. Thenew song will replace the old one and be used at whatever times the originalwould have been used at.For example, if you had a .wav song you wanted to use for the main menu,you could convert it, rename it to music215.bgw, and put it in the folder,replacing the file with that name that's already in the folder. Sincemusic215.bgw is used for the main menu, your song will now be used for themain menu.Props to Fire_element25 for this list.TETRA MASTER SONG LIST---------------------music200.bgw: Room Selectmusic201.bgw: (unknown)music202.bgw: Card Selectmusic203.bgw: In-Battlemusic204.bgw: Loss 1music205.bgw: Auction Housemusic206.bgw: Card Shopmusic207.bgw: (unknown)music208.bgw: Player Statusmusic209.bgw: Optionsmusic210.bgw: Rankingsmusic212.bgw: Winmusic213.bgw: Loss 2music215.bgw: Main Menumusic216.bgw: (unknown)ADDING MUSIC TO DUNGEONS------------------------You can also add music to areas that have none. How, you ask? All the areaswithout music have a wind sound effect in the background. All you have to dois replace the wind with a song. You can't modify sound effects just bychanging the extension in this case; you have to use the program, the secondmethod listed above in the file conversion section. Huge props to ME, I AMAWESOME for thinking up this method and getting it to work.The folder for most wind files is SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound\win\se\se001but there are also a couple more wind files inSquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound2\win\se\se001. I'm fairly sure they're forthe Rise of Zilart areas. I would imagine you replace sound2 with sound3 tofind the folder for Chains of Promathea wind files, but I don't have thatexpansion. Convert your wav file to .spw. Rename it so that it's the name ofthe file you want to replace (se001001.spw or whatever). Move your new spw fileto the correct folder and replace the default file. You now have music in thatarea.Here are all the known issues with this method. 1) The background music you add won't cut out when the battle music starts.You can remedy this by either: a) Using silent .wav files for the in-dungeon battle songs. b) Using short "battle begin" type sounds for the in-dungeon battle music and making them not repeat by manually changing the filename from .wav to .bmg instead of using the conversion program. c) Setting the sound effects to half volume so you can hardly hear the background music over the battle music but can hear it fine otherwise. Use this option if you add music to any otherwise-silent "overworld" areas.2) Sometimes, with longer songs you'll get the song playing twice at once; it'llbe at two different parts of the song, overlapping. It's only midly annoyingsince it usually cuts out after a minute or so and most songs are repetitiveanyway. You can fix this by only picking one or two of the wind files for anarea to replace with music, instead of replacing all of them. But that onlymakes the next problem worse:3) Music doesn't repeat properly. My best estimate is that it only starts overwhen the wind in the area changes. Wind will change due to weather patterns,day/night, and other things I never paid attention to because fishing sucks.4) Some areas use the same wind as each-other. Some areas use more than onewind file depending on the time or weather. In these cases, it is highly recommended you use the same song for all of the different areas. Eitherthat, or just use real wind for the files that overlap.Here is the list of areas that I know which wind sound effect is for. Pleasehelp me by changing other wind files in the wind folder and writing down whereyou hear them, and emailing me. I no longer play FF11, so I need helpcompleting and maintaining the list. FF11 BACKGROUND SOUND EFFECT LIST---------------------------------Many of the areas that actually have real background music also have wind inthe background. You probably don't want two songs playing at once in theseareas, so I've marked them with a <music> tag to let you know not to changethem.Sound effect 001003 is used in a bunch of places that don't have music, butalso in Windurst. Use your own judgement. I leave it as normal wind, but youmight want to change it to music and then nullify Windurst's real music file.Number 001065 has a similar issue, but as the caves in Valkurm are few and farbetween, I just let the songs overlap.I made most of this list myself, though one or two people have submitted anarea. It's not gonna get updated any more unless you people send me more info,though, because I don't play FF11 any more.se001001.spw: <music> Windurstse001002.spw: La Theine Plateause001003.spw: <music> Windurst La Theine Plateau Pashhow Marshlands Konschtat Highlandsse001004.spw: Konschtat Highlands La Theine Plateause001005.spw: <music> Ronfaurese001007.spw: <music> Ronfaurese001013.spw: Valkurm Dunesse001014.spw: Valkurm Dunesse001015.spw: Valkurm Dunesse001016.spw: Valkurm Dunesse001025.spw: Dangruf Wadi Ifrit's Cauldron (daytime)se001026.spw: Ifrit's Cauldron (night)se001027.spw: Ifrit's Cauldron (night)se001033.spw: <music> Shipse001042.spw: La Theine Plateause001053.spw: <music> Gustabergse001054.spw: Buburimbu Peninsula Tahrongi Canyonse001062.spw: <music> Ronfaurese001062.spw: <music> Shipse001064.spw: <music> Sarutabaruta Cavese001065.spw: Palborough Mines Outer Horotuto Ruins Giddeus Caves Ghelsba Outpost Caves Valkurm Dunes Caves (played overlapping Valkurm Dunes wind) Probably almost any other caves in existancese001066.spw: Zeruhn Minesse001067.spw: <music> Bastokse001069.spw: <music> Mog Housese001070.spw: <music> Gustabergse001072.spw: <music> San D'Oriase001073.spw: <music> Bastokse001074.spw: <music> Bastokse001075.spw: <music> Gustabergse001077.spw: <music> Bastokse001078.spw: Buburimbu Peninsula Tahrongi Canyonse001079.spw: <music> San D'Oriase001080.spw: <music> San D'Oriase001081.spw: <music> San D'Oriase001082.spw: <music> San D'Oriase001089.spw: <music> Heaven's Towerse001092.spw: <music> Selbinase001093.spw: <music> Selbinase001094.spw: <music> Mhaurase001095.spw: <music> Mhaurase001104.spw: <music> WindurstWant to help expand this list? The best thing you can do is changeundocumented wind files to songs that you'll recognize if you hear, and see whatsongs play as the wind when you go to different areas. Email me your resultsif you find anything I don't have listed.For a while, people were also willing to send me gil to help me get to harderareas so I could test the files. But I've stopped playing. I deleted myaccount in November 2004. So unless other people find more wind files, thislist probably won't be updated any time soon.CHANGING BARD SONGS AND OTHER SOUNDS------------------------------------You can change bard songs too. Change them the same way you would change thewind sounds. Open the Ximc program, maximize it, change to Sound Effect mode,change a .wav file to .spw, and replace the bard song file. The bard songsare in the folder SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound\win\se\se021 . Here'sthe list of what each one is:se021001.spw: Wind Instrumentse021002.spw: String Instrumentse021003.spw: Tarutaru Female Singingse021004.spw: Tarutaru Male Singingse021005.spw: Elvaan/Hume Male Singingse021006.spw: Mithra Singingse021007.spw: Galka Singingse021008.spw: Elvaan/Hume Female SingingYou can theoretically change any sound effect in the game. But there's 6243 of them at the time of this writing, which doesn't even include the Chainsexpansion, so I'm not going to go through and figure them all out for you. Hereare a few useful ones.The level up tune is SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound\win\se\se000\SE000007.wavif you want to change that one; put a one second delay at the beginning so it'llline up right.The sounds for Call and Call1 through Call22, the really obnoxious ones whichpeople use in macros and such, are located in the folderPlayOnline\SquareEnix\FINAL FANTASY XI\sound\win\se\se000 and are namedse000017.spw to se000039.spw in increasing order. I recommend changing themall to either soft bells or total silence.CONVERTING THE ORIGINAL FILES TO A PLAYABLE FORMAT--------------------------------------------------This is actually pretty easy. You just download the Ximc program athttp://burger.sandwich.net/XIMC.zip and run it. Right below the WAV -> BGWbutton is a BGW -> WAV button. Click it and find the file you want toconvert. The .wav file will appear in the folder that the original .bgw fileis in. This will make a .wav file, not a .mp3 file. If you really need it in.mp3 format for some reason, you're on your own, although I hear iTunes can dothat. But don't email me about anything related to iTunes.This might infringe the copyright and probably makes Square mad because theysell fewer soundtracks, so do it at your own risk. I can't be held responsiblefor you stealing the music. Personally, I went to all the trouble of figuringall this stuff out because I DON'T like the music, but so many people emailme about this that I thought I'd add it to the guide. I'm assuming it'sillegal.If you can't use that program for some reason, or you can't get it to work,there's another way to listen to the songs. Move them from FF11 or TetraMaster into the folder used for PlayOnline music, which is located inSquareEnix\PlayOnlineViewer\viewer\data\system\bgm and rename them fromwhatever.bgw to whatever.101.bgw. Use whatever file name you want as longas it ends in .101.bgw. Now you can play the song in PlayOnline, or even setit as a random background music for the PlayOnline viewer. Open PlayOnline,and click on Navigator, then Options, then Viewer, then BGM, and all the songswill be listed. Choose the one you want to play, or click OK to set it toplay randomly in POL.There's also a plugin for Winamp called in_ffxi.dll that will allow Winamp toplay .bgw files directly. I didn't make this, and take no credit for it.It can be downloaded from http://burger.sandwich.net/ffxi_winamp_plugin.zip .Unzip that file with Winzip or a similar program. Move the .dll file to thePlugins folder inside of your Winamp folder. Usually, by default, this folderis Program Files\Winamp\Plugins unless you changed it during installation.Now Winamp can play the original .bgw files from FF11. This plugin actuallyalso allows Winamp to play sound effect files, but they will have heavy static.Note that songs music137.bgw, music900.bgw, and all songs from Aht Urhgan onare in a different format, and can't be listened to by any of these ways. Ximccrashes spectacularly, and in_ff11 produces garbled noise. Not even PlayOnlineViewer and Tetra Master will be able to play these songs. There is a trick tolistening to them if you really want, though. Pick one song, make a copy, nameit music126.bgw, and replace the real music126.bgw song. Then that song willplay in your Mog House. You could, of course, use any other song in the gameinstead of your Mog House, but the Mog House is probably the easiest way to go. Copyright 2004-2006 Ben McAlpin. Reproduce freely.If you sell this guide on eBay, I will take your future wife hostage, putbalogna on the hood of your car, email your entire porn directory to yourmother, drink all your beer, and drop your car keys down the sewer.

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